I didn’t set out to write about gaslighting.
But after reading a recent article from NPR, I couldn’t stop thinking about it—not the definition, but the experience.
That moment when you start to question something you were sure of.
When a conversation leaves you feeling off, but you can’t quite explain why.
When you wonder, “Wait… is this me?”
And once that starts, it’s hard to find solid ground again.
When you don’t know up from down
There were moments where I genuinely didn’t know up from down… or right from left.
Not in a dramatic, everything-is-falling-apart kind of way.
More like a quiet, disorienting feeling of:
- Did that really happen the way I remember it?
- Am I overreacting?
- Why do I feel so off after this conversation?
It’s subtle. And that’s what makes it so powerful.
At one point, my version of “grounding” looked like blasting “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift and loudly singing:
“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.”
Not exactly the textbook definition of emotional regulation… but also? Weirdly effective.
Because when you’re in that space, everything starts to turn inward.
You stop questioning what’s happening around you—and start questioning yourself.
So… is gaslighting intentional?
That question kept coming up for me.
Is it malicious?
Is it a defense mechanism?
Is it something people learn—especially when holding onto control or power feels important?
The answer is probably: all of the above.
But here’s what matters more:
If you’re the one experiencing it, the “why” doesn’t actually change the impact.
The “bizarre triangle”
When you’re in it, it can feel like you’re stuck in a loop between:
- What you experienced
- What you’re being told happened
- What you’re starting to believe
And the longer you stay there, the harder it is to trust your own footing.
How coaching helps
This is where coaching became really important for me.
Not because someone told me, “Yes, that’s gaslighting.”
And not because we spent time analyzing the other person.
But because it helped me come back to something much more grounding:
my own clarity.
Coaching helped me:
- Slow down the spiral of self-doubt
- Separate what I knew from what I was being told
- Notice how I was feeling without immediately dismissing it
- Rebuild trust in my own perspective
Getting back to yourself
What I learned is this:
You don’t have to solve the other person.
You don’t have to prove what’s happening.
You don’t even have to label it perfectly.
You just have to come back to yourself.
To what you felt.
To what you noticed.
To what you know—before it got questioned.
💬 Final thought
Whether gaslighting is intentional, unconscious, or something learned over time…
your experience is still valid.
And if you’ve ever found yourself singing along to a song trying to figure out if you’re the problem…
You’re not alone.